What it is necessary to know about lie
All human beings lie, and it, at least twice a day. Whether it is to avoid an appointment, a meeting or else to cover a neglect. We all lie more or less often and to our children also! You have already never said them that you did not have chocolate anymore or to say to them that you have an important meeting which prevents you from freeing themselves for the day of voluntary work in the library of the school? Go, confess! You sometimes lied well to your children. No? What? Seriously? Never? Then, your children do not believe either in the father Christmas, or to the fairy of teeth, or to the Easter rabbit? They know that your sauce with spaghetti contains all these vegetables and that drawings and fixing things which he gave you passed to recycling? Let's go! Do not feel guilty, it is completely human to lie. We lie to avoid suffering ourselves, making others suffer or to appear better. Is it well? Is it wrong? I am not there to sing the praises of it or to demonise lie. It belongs to each to make its own personal question setting and to establish its own stocks and to live in resonance with them. For my part, I advocate honesty in this direction where I try hard to be the most honest possible even when it is difficult, suffering or what I risk losing the face. It's all one to me challenge, but this challenge carries its fruits with my children. Do I reach it always? Absolutely! (It is the first and only lie which you will find in this ticket.) but what are children? Why do they lie? It is necessary to know that at different stadiums of development, the children have recourse to lie for different motives: from 3 to 6 years: because they merge the real and the imagination; from 7 to 12 years: by fright of suffering or to express a desire;
3-6 years: Confusion of the real and of imagination or tale
In the course of this period, the child expresses his desires by telling it as being of very real situations. As in his games «to pretend which I am» and in debates with his imaginary friend. An impression that this imagined desire becomes, for instant, reality. A desire to have more power, to have a dog, not to have small brother anymore...
Expression of its dreams
It is not lies properly speaking, but rather tales that express his desires, his desires, his lack and his needs. These tales are useful in the development of its psychée. Of course, in a family context, it will be useful that the child is accompanied so that he could learn to express his dreams so that it will not be expressed as a reality, but as a dream. For example, when Nile tell that there is a big shark in the swimming pool from grandpa, perhaps he wants to make fright by imagining sharks in the bottom of the swimming pool or that he would really like that his father is punished by a shark even though he would like to leave to the peach. It is this desire which we must try to discover rather than to tell it simply that he lies. Try variations as:« You want to imagine that there are big sharks in the swimming pool? And, according to you, for what reason should the shark crunch a foot of daddy?»
Imaginary friend
For some children, tale also takes the form of an imaginary friend who comes to appease it, to save him or to fill his loneliness up. He can speak to him about his torments and about his concerns and the impression that he is accompanied will be possible help him to face up his temporary difficulties. This imaginary friend sometimes takes the form of a friend of his age on which he will be able to reject the criticism of a stupidity and, other times, he resembles rather a big sister, an elder brother, an aunt, a granny. It is a reassuring and protective face on whom he casts his experiments and his feelings. This creation of its mind is not a sign of madness, and it, although she could seem to you strange. Useless to say to him that this friend does not exist. Enter game: ask your child to make place to him in the car, this imaginary friend to collaborate because it is the hour to leave to the day nursery. Do not get worried, this friend will disappear from himself at about 6 years.
7 - 12 years: Fright of suffering
In this age, reason develops. The children differentiate the good of the trouble and they are aware of their lies in sense where these last do not coincide any more with the dream world. At this stadium, lies have other functions: the siding of suffering or expression of a desire. The child wants to avoid suffering himself by fright of punishment on behalf of his parents or suffer to be rejected or to feel uninteresting with the eyes of others. He also wants to avoid seeing others suffering by his error, by the truth than he could deliver because they taught him that the mediocre children make others suffer. By avoiding suffering to others, he does not feel being malicious.
Fright at disappointing his parents
The children are sensitive to emotions of their parents. They know very well what is an occasion of trouble or of grief for mom and daddy. For example, a child of newly separated parents could lie about the presence of a new spouse of his mom to avoid seeing his sad daddy. Your reaction resembles probably in «but why does he make it? He knows well that I am going to end up knowing! I am going to cross his mother a good day.» Simply because they do not anticipate in the long term. The children are in here - now. See again the way you react facing "bad news". If you have tendency to be reactive (Ah! I would have preferred not to know it!), your children are undoubtedly afraid to be the reason of your suffering. Do not tell him off to have said of what he thought. Guide him rather on the more appropriate way of expressing his thought and of developing his empathy.
Fright at disappointing others
To please others, they quickly learn to them not to tell the truth even if she goes out of their mouth. What was your reaction when your child answered tatie that he did not like his kitchen? When he said to granny that he did not like the present given for his birthday? I bet that you exclaimed: «It is not nice to say this! These things are not said! »At this moment definite, your child learnt that any truth was not useful to say. Not having filter to determine what must be kept, having no rather lively mind to elude a question of style: «Then, this toy, you like him? »He learnt to lie to like. Help him to formulate his tastes, his preferences and his desires in a constructive way. Do not tell him off to have said of what he thought. Guide him rather on the more appropriate way of expressing his thought and of developing his empathy:« If I did not like a drawing which you would give me, would you like that I say to you that he is ugly? "; " How would you wish that I say it to you?»; or else «although you do not like the present, you like that Granny thinks of you?»
Fright at growling or at punish
Your children know what will deserve them a punishment. And, let us confess it, nobody wants to be taken in extremis and punished. If that was the case, we would not need policemen since all culprits of the road would go directly to the office of infractions by confessing to have jumped the lights, pay the fine and come home. Then, if there is a means to avoid a punishment, the child as the adult will opt for using it. Of course, today, when you make a stupidity, you have constructive means to repair it: you reimburse caused damage, you discuss situation with honesty with the persons concerned, you take your decisions even if they dissatisfy. The child, he, does not have this maturity and especially, he did not perhaps have opportunity to test these constructive means if he is punished. Just as me, you know well that your children lie to you. Question is to know if you must fight with them to get the truth always and every time. Rather than to take you and to put him standing aside, to give him lecture, to deprive him of dessert or of time of game, try to remain calm. Try rather to include motivations behind its gesture and accompany it so that he could, at first, repair his gesture and, in second time, so that he finds an alternative in this gesture if occasion came again. In that way, he will know that, although you approve him what he made, he will be able to turn to you so that you accompany him to correct situation and to teach for future.
Fright at losing the face or at be uninteresting with the eyes of others
In the course of this period, the child wants to have a feeling that he is part of a group and he becomes identified with his peers. It includes its role and tries to show itself to best to be accepted. It is not therefore surprising to see him idealising his sports results or finding a false excuse for a bad game. To prove to be interesting, it is possible that he invents improbable stories, crazy adventures which he tells he has lived and that he adds some wrong details to your last family journey to impress the gallery. to Prettify the truth occasionally is a thing. To show itself to best personally by telling taken up stories by any rooms should lead you to investiguer more. It is very much possible that your child has only little confidence in him, and it, as different reasons which it will be useful to identify to help him to bloom healthily. A professional help could be useful to you in this situation. Do not hesitate to see patients.
The whole truth, only the truth
Of course, just as me, you know well that your children lie to you. Question is to know if you must fight with them to get the truth always and every time. Answer is not. Maurice shepherd, pédopsychiatre, stresses this point: «The child makes the experience which his parents cannot read in the thoughts. He notes that it is not also transparent that he believed him, that he has an autonomous thought and that he can be secret. »Occasional lie serves then for establishing borders and for augmenting self-confidence.
- Sniff a good blow and remain calm: you irritate an additional occasion for your child will be to lie; remain calm and try to include his motivations and his point of view.
- Close the door in lie: do not ask questions traps to measure the honesty of your child; discuss situation with him.
- Promote honesty: admit him all courage which he could show to tell the truth; a self-confidence is needed to be honest.
- Encourage repairing: avoid the punishment; when it is possible, give him the possibility of putting down a refreshing gesture; in another way, discuss with effects of his lie him, others and his environment; see how he intends to avoid this type of situation in future.
- Show them your love: be sure that your child knows that you unconditionally love him in spite of the unacceptable gestures which were put down. «Although I approve your behaviour in no way, although I do not like what you made, I love you, you.»
