Managing jealousy and rivalry between siblings

"He always gets the biggest piece!"

"Why does she get to, and I don't?"

Do these phrases sound familiar? Welcome to the world of sibling rivalry! Jealousy between siblings is one of the most frequent – and probably most exhausting – challenges of family life. But rest assured: it's also completely normal!

Here are some tips to help you navigate these sometimes tumultuous waters with (a little!) more serenity.

Why does jealousy exist?

First and foremost, it's important to understand where this famous rivalry comes from. Children aren't jealous out of malice or to make your life difficult; sibling jealousy stems instead from a fundamental need, that of feeling loved, important, and valued in their parents' eyes.

Every child wants their unique place in the family. So, when they perceive (rightly or wrongly) that another child receives more attention, affection, or privileges, their brain interprets this as a threat: "What about me? Do my parents love me as much?"

The good news? This jealousy proves that your children love you and want your love in return. It's a sign of healthy attachment, even if it doesn't always manifest in a pleasant way!

Mistakes to avoid

1. Comparing your children

"Look how well your sister cleans her room, maybe you should do the same!"

Why it's problematic: Comparisons create competition and resentment. The "less good" child feels devalued, and the "better" child feels the pressure to perform at all times.

What to do: Value each child individually for their own strengths. "I noticed you put your books away. Thank you!"

2. Aiming for perfect equality at all times

Giving exactly the same thing to everyone, counting cookies, measuring portions to the millimeter...

Why it's exhausting (and ineffective): Strict equality is impossible to maintain and creates an accounting mentality. Children spend their time monitoring who has what instead of simply appreciating what they have.

What to do: Aim for equity, not equality. From this perspective, each child receives according to their needs, age, and current circumstances. "Since you're older, you can stay up later. When your brother is the same age, it will be the same for him."

3. Intervening in EVERY conflict

At the slightest squabble, you rush to arbitrate, decide, separate...

Why it's counterproductive: Your children never learn to resolve their conflicts themselves and always depend on you to settle their differences.

What to do: First, let them try to resolve the conflict on their own (obviously, if there are no signs of aggression!). Intervene only if necessary, and guide them towards a solution rather than imposing your own. To help them, you can also guide them towards this practical little tip!

Strategies that really work

1. Individual time with each child

The most powerful antidote to jealousy: 15 to 20 minutes a week one-on-one with each child, where they receive your complete and undivided attention.

How:

• Block this time on the calendar (by noting it in your Octave app, for example!)
• Let the child choose the activity
• Zero phone, zero distractions
  

What it changes: Your child feels that they have THEIR unique place in your heart. Their emotional reservoir fills up, reducing the need to seek your attention through jealousy.

2. Teaching empathy rather than forcing sharing

When a child refuses to share their toy:

Instead of saying: "Give it to your sister, you have to share!"

Try instead: "I see you want to keep your truck. Your sister looks disappointed. How could we make you both happy?"

What it teaches: Your children learn to consider the needs of others while respecting their own, a much more valuable skill than forced sharing.

3. Creating moments of sibling bonding

Organize activities where your children collaborate:

• Building a fort together
• Preparing a surprise for dad/mom
• Doing a creative project together (a mural or a cake, for example)
• Playing cooperative games where they win or lose together

These moments allow children to develop positive memories together and to learn that they are a team.

4. Normalizing negative emotions

When your child says, "I hate my brother!"

Instead of saying: "Don't say that! That's not nice!"

You can say: "You're really angry with him right now. It's okay to be angry. What happened?"

Validating the emotion does not mean condoning inappropriate behavior. However, this way of intervening allows the child to express what they feel without shame, thus opening the door to a real conversation.

When to intervene in conflicts?

Intervene immediately if:

• There is physical violence
• There is serious verbal abuse (hurtful insults, humiliation)
• A child is truly distressed

Let them manage their dispute alone if:

• It's a "normal" dispute, without danger
• They are able to communicate (even if it's noisy!)
• No one is crying or hurt

Your role as arbitrator:

• "I see you have a problem. Can you resolve it together or do you need help?"
• If help is needed: "Each of you explains your point of view and then we'll find a solution together."

What to accept

Sibling rivalry will never completely disappear. Even those who adore each other will experience moments of jealousy and conflict at some point.

Your goal is not to eliminate all rivalry, but to:

• Reduce the intensity and frequency of conflicts
• Teach your children to manage their emotions properly
• Teach them to resolve conflicts respectfully
• Create enough positive moments to counterbalance the negative ones

Finally, remember this:

By navigating these conflicts with patience and teaching your children to manage their emotions and disagreements, you are providing them with relationship skills that will serve them throughout their lives! ❤️