Teasing at school: how to respond and reassure your child

• What should you say to your child? How can you reassure them?

• How can you help these targeted children get out of this situation?

• How can you help your child hold on to their confidence?

• How can you teach them to respond appropriately and respectfully?

• What should you tell them? How can you reassure them?

As parents, we often search for the right words when, usually, what a child is really looking for is someone to listen. So it’s important that we offer them a sincere, empathetic ear. Welcoming their emotional pain without letting yourself be overwhelmed by unpleasant emotions will help them feel reassured. Show them that you trust their ability to get through this hard time. Avoid getting indignant or worried: it would only heighten their sense of helplessness and confirm their distress.

Some children seem to be targeted more than others, or at least they’re more affected by it. These children often lack self-confidence, which shows in how hard it is for them to assert themselves and find their place in a group, and in a strong need to please and be recognized. They feel that they exist, that they’re somebody and that they have value only when they see themselves reflected in other people’s eyes. As a result, they’re often looking for approval or signs of appreciation, which sometimes leads them to behave inappropriately. That’s why it’s important to help these children develop their emotional independence, focusing first and foremost on their confidence in their own abilities.

You can do an exercise with your child that little ones usually love. Have them lie on their back on a large sheet of paper (or cardboard), big enough for you to trace the outline of their body. Then invite them to draw themselves the way they see themselves, adding their hair, eyes, clothes, distinctive features and so on.

Next, flip the sheet over. Ask them to list their abilities for you: I can read. I often share my toys. I follow instructions. I pay attention to others…

Point out that their abilities are hidden on the back of the sheet, just as they aren’t necessarily visible to the people looking at them. Stress that no matter what others say or do, these abilities are theirs, and it’s up to THEM to be aware of them. If they forget them, how are others supposed to remember them?

Display the self-portrait somewhere within their reach, and practise having them list their abilities without looking at the back of the sheet, so they gradually take them to heart.

How can you help them hold on to their confidence?

When you describe their efforts and actions, and focus on their behaviour and abilities rather than on who they are, they’ll see specific details they can improve. This keeps them from believing that their whole self is worthless, stupid and unlikeable. Changing certain aspects of yourself is more doable than changing who you are entirely.

This focus also comes through your relationship with them and the language you use when you talk to them about themselves.

Avoid phrases like:

• “You’re good.”

• “You’re strong.”

• “What a beautiful drawing!”

Get them to talk about themselves in terms of abilities, not labels:

• “Do you think you can do it?”

• “Could you lift this weight?”

• “What do you think of your drawing?”

Reinforce a positive view of their abilities by pointing out specific things:

• “You’re able to do this complex exercise.”

• “It’s heavy, and you’re able to lift it.”

• “I can see you put a lot of time and patience into this drawing.”

How can you teach them to respond appropriately and respectfully?

Together, identify how they currently react and help them grasp the consequences of that reaction:

• When you cry, do the other kids stop laughing, or do they make fun of you even more?

• When you yell at them to stop making fun of you, do they stop or keep going?

Make a list together of better, more appropriate reactions, depending on what they want to achieve:

• Assertiveness: telling the teaser that their comment isn’t appreciated.
• Using humour: practising a funny comeback that defuses the teasing.
• Avoiding the situation: building a new circle of friends who are a better match for their personality.

Identify people they can turn to – go to the teacher if they’re being bullied

Keep in mind that the more confident your child is in their abilities, the less the teasing from schoolmates will affect them. That’s why it’s important to help them build up their confidence in different ways: developing a confident posture, taking martial arts classes, joining group activities, giving them room to assert themselves and make decisions, and so on.

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