Tips and tricks for taming your child's anger

Back to basics

As its etymology suggests, an emotion is a movement (motion, from movere) that stirs within a person and pushes them toward movement, toward action. The more intense the emotion, the more powerful the movement it sets off. As adults, we've each developed our own way of channelling this movement, and we pass it on to our children.

Where anger comes from

Anger arises within us when we realize that reality doesn't match our expectations or demands. Everyone who feels anger shares a specific thought pattern: “This isn't how it's supposed to go.”

Expressing anger

We express anger in different ways, depending on our upbringing and the circumstances. For some people, the movement triggered by anger pushes them to do whatever it takes to make things go the way they've decided, even resorting to threats and physical force. Others will simply take the hit and look the other way. And then there are those who listen to the message the emotion is sending and express their displeasure constructively. Of course, we'd all like our kids to express their frustration thoughtfully when faced with such an emotion, but first they have to learn to tame it, along with all the intense sensations it brings.

Taming the anger beast

The anger beast can be tamed if you're willing to put in the effort, but how many parents are afraid of this beast sleeping inside their child? As soon as it stirs a little, some parents rush to scare it back into its den. “Stop that right now! That's enough, or I'm sending you to your room!” To tame it, the adult needs to stay calm and confident, welcome the child who's wrestling with the beast, and let them know they've noticed it's there, simply by saying: “I can see you're angry.”

Releasing the tension

What you need to know is that the beast needs to stretch its legs, and for that, as a parent, it's important to support, guide and direct your child so they can release the tension inside them. These are called regulation strategies: setting up a space where the beast can safely unleash all its strength by tearing up cardboard, doing jumping jacks, throwing balls against a wall, punching a pillow or yelling into a scream box. Above all, don't be afraid of what's done or said at this stage. Who hasn't said upsetting things in a fit of anger just to let off steam?

Naming the emotion

Once the tension has been released, it helps for the child to be able to name the beast and call it by its first name, since “anger” is just the name of its species. More specifically, it might be called irritation, annoyance, impatience, anger, fury or even rage.

Questioning the anger

This beast didn't wake up for no reason. Something is going against the child's expectations, wishes or demands. At some point, based on how they saw the situation, they decided it wasn't supposed to go this way. Exploring their point of view will not only help your child understand themselves better, it will also help you better understand how they see things, what they want and what they expect, so you can try to reframe it and bring them more in tune with reality.

Expressing it differently

Once you have a better grasp of your child's idea of how things should be, and their outlook has become more realistic, the intensity driving the beast will subside. With the beast calmer, it will be the perfect time to help your child find a more appropriate, less forceful way to express their wishes and expectations.

What about you? When a situation doesn't go the way you want, do you tend to shout your disapproval, look the other way and move on, or calmly and thoughtfully express your wishes, expectations and needs? Chances are your kiddo handles their emotions the same way. And it's even harder for them to stay calm and composed, because their brain isn't mature enough to regulate itself yet. Think of anger as a wild beast to be tamed, and ask your child to draw it for you so you can get acquainted. What wakes it up? Why does it wake up? What helps it calm back down? Get your child talking: you'll be surprised!

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