Why do your kids lie to you?

Don't feel guilty: lying is perfectly human. We lie to avoid getting hurt ourselves, to avoid hurting others, or to look better. Is it good? Is it bad? I'm not here to sing the praises of lying or to demonize it. It's up to each of us to do our own soul-searching and set our own values so we can live in tune with them. Personally, I'm all for honesty, in the sense that I try to be as honest as possible, even when it's hard or painful, or when I risk losing face. It's quite a challenge, but it's paying off with my kids. Do I always succeed? Absolutely! (That's the first and only lie you'll find in this post.)

But what about kids? Why do they lie? At different stages of development, children turn to lying for different reasons: from ages 3 to 6, because they mix up what's real and what's imaginary, and from 7 to 12, out of fear of pain or to express a wish.

Ages 3 to 6: mixing up reality and imagination, or make-believe

During this stage, children express their wishes by describing them as if they were real situations, as in their “let's pretend I'm...” games and in their chats with an imaginary friend. To them, it feels as though the wish they imagined comes true, just for a moment: a wish to have more power, to have a dog, to not have a little brother anymore...

Expressing their dreams

These aren't lies, strictly speaking, but rather make-believe that expresses their wishes, longings, what they feel is missing and what they need. This make-believe plays a useful role in the development of their psyche. Of course, in a family setting, it helps to guide children so they can learn to express their dreams as dreams rather than as reality. For example, when Nils says there's a big shark in Grandpa's pool, maybe he enjoys scaring himself by imagining sharks at the bottom of the pool, or he'd like to see his dad punished by a shark, or he'd just love to go fishing. That's the wish we need to try to uncover, rather than simply telling him he's lying. Try something along these lines: “You like imagining there are big sharks in the pool? And why do you think the shark should take a bite out of Daddy's foot?”

Imaginary friend

For some children, make-believe also takes the form of an imaginary friend who comes along to soothe them, rescue them or keep their loneliness at bay. They can tell this friend about their troubles and worries, and feeling that someone is by their side can help them get through temporary difficulties. Sometimes the imaginary friend is a kid their own age they can pin the blame on for some mischief; other times, it's more like a big sister, a big brother, an aunt or a grandma. It's a reassuring, protective figure onto whom they project their experiences and feelings. This creation of their mind isn't a sign of madness, even though it may seem strange to you. There's no point telling your child this friend doesn't exist. Play along: ask your child to make room for their friend in the car, or ask the imaginary friend to cooperate because it's time to leave for daycare. Don't worry, this friend will disappear on its own around age six.

Ages 7 to 12: fear of pain

At this age, reasoning develops. Children can tell right from wrong, and they're aware of their lies, in the sense that their lies no longer get mixed up with the world of make-believe. At this stage, lies serve other purposes: avoiding pain or expressing a wish. Children want to avoid pain for themselves, whether it's the fear of being punished by their parents or the pain of being rejected or seeming boring in other people's eyes. They also want to avoid seeing others suffer because of them, because of a truth they might tell, since they've been taught that mean kids hurt others. By sparing others pain, they don't feel like they're being mean.

Fear of disappointing their parents

Children are sensitive to their parents' emotions. They know very well what will make Mom or Dad sad or upset. For example, a child whose parents have recently separated might lie about Mom having a new partner so as not to see Dad sad. Your reaction is probably something like, “But why would he do that? He knows I'll find out eventually! I'm bound to run into his mother one of these days.” Quite simply, because children don't think long term. They live in the here and now. Take a look at how you react to “bad news.” If you tend to be reactive (Oh! I'd rather not have known!), your kids are probably afraid of being the cause of your pain. Don't scold them for saying what they thought was right. Instead, guide them toward more appropriate ways of expressing their thoughts and developing their empathy.

Fear of disappointing others

To please others, we're quick to teach kids not to tell the truth, even when it just slips out. How did you react when your child told Auntie they didn't like her cooking? Or when they told Grandma they didn't like the birthday present she gave them? I bet you exclaimed, “That's not nice! We don't say things like that!” At that very moment, your child learned that not every truth is worth telling. With no filter to figure out what should be held back, and not quick-witted enough to dodge a question like “So, do you like this toy?”, they learned to lie to please. Help your child express their tastes, preferences and wishes in a constructive way. Don't scold them for saying what they thought. Instead, guide them toward more appropriate ways of expressing their thoughts and developing their empathy: “If you gave me a drawing I didn't like, would you want me to tell you it's awful?”, “How would you want me to tell you?” or “Even though you don't like the gift, are you happy that Grandma thought of you?”

Fear of being scolded or punished

Your kids know what will earn them a punishment. And let's face it, nobody likes getting caught out and punished. If we did, we wouldn't need police officers, since every traffic offender would head straight to the ticket office, confess to running a red light, pay the fine and go home. So if there's a way to avoid punishment, children, like adults, will choose to take it. Of course, now that you're an adult, when you mess up, you have constructive ways to make things right: you pay for the damage, you talk honestly with the people involved, you own your decisions even when they're unpopular. Children don't have that maturity yet, and above all, if they're punished, they may not have had the chance to try out these constructive ways.

Like me, you know full well that your child lies to you. The question is whether you should fight with them to get the truth every single time. Rather than losing your temper and sending them to time-out, lecturing them, or taking away dessert or playtime, try to stay calm. Instead, try to understand the motivation behind what they did and support them so they can, first, make amends and, second, find another way to act if the situation comes up again. That way, they'll know that even though you don't approve of what they did, they can turn to you for help setting things right and learning for next time.

Fear of losing face or of being seen as boring

During this period, children like to feel they belong to a group, and they identify with their peers. They understand their role and try to make themselves look good to be accepted. So it's no surprise to see them exaggerate their sports results or come up with a lame excuse for a bad play. To seem interesting, they may make up far-fetched stories and wacky adventures they claim to have had, or add a few made-up details to your last family trip to impress everyone. Embellishing the truth once in a while is one thing. Building themselves up with stories invented out of thin air should prompt you to look into things further. It's quite possible that your child has very little self-confidence, for various reasons that are worth identifying so you can help them thrive in a healthy way. Professional help could be useful in this situation. Don't hesitate to reach out.

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

1. Take a deep breath and stay calm: getting worked up will just give your child one more reason to lie; stay calm and try to understand their motivations and point of view.
2. Close the door to lying: don't ask trick questions to test your child's honesty; talk the situation over with them instead.
3. Value honesty: acknowledge all the courage it took for your child to tell the truth; it takes self-confidence to be honest.
4. Encourage making amends: avoid punishment; whenever possible, give your child the chance to make amends. Otherwise, talk with them about the effects of their lie on themselves, on others and on their surroundings, and see how they plan to avoid this kind of situation in the future.
5. Show your love: make sure your child knows you love them unconditionally, despite the unacceptable things they did. “Even though I don't approve of your behaviour at all, even though I don't like what you did, I love you for you.”

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