Your little nephew is visiting: tips for stepping in

As an uncle, aunt or grandparent, our relationship with the kids is often more about play, fun and connection. So even when fun is the name of the game, should I step in when a behaviour breaks the established rules? Yes, of course! However, it's important not to mix up roles. The “upbringing” side of things is usually the parents' role, but that doesn't mean we can't encourage good habits. It's just as important for a child to see different types of communication and approaches, which will gradually help shape their personality, communication and social skills. Since there's no magic solution, today I'm suggesting a few winning strategies to encourage positive interactions and help the child get used to different environments.

Winning strategies: RELATIONSHIPS

• Encourage the child to say please and thank you!
• Model harmonious relationships for the child; this will let them see many different types and kinds of relationships
• Encourage the child to express themselves verbally through play (dolls, board games, blocks, etc.)
• Use interactive reading to talk about emotions and get conversations going

• Family rules keep our responses consistent and show the child that the adults talk things over together (for example: if the child isn't allowed to jump on the beds or the couch at home, it would be best for the same rule to apply at your place). Of course, every family has its own rules, so it's up to you to sort things out with the people involved.
• Cut back on screen time: screens are highly stimulating for the brain. The child takes in a flood of information (images, sounds, lights, movement), which creates an immersive effect. While some games and apps are appropriate, lots of screen exposure cuts down on any interaction with the world around them and often leads to information overload, which kids feel quickly and which can cause anger, irritability, anxiety, sleep loss and restlessness.

• Avoid using the parents or other family members as a threat (for example: if you don't calm down, I'm calling your dad to come and get you). In a situation like that, the child may see their dad as the “bad guy.” What's more, this threat of punishment is purely negative and has no direct link to what the child did. Punishment tends to create anxiety instead and doesn't help the child understand that what they did is unacceptable. The behaviour is likely to simply come back later. It's better to allow some quiet time to help the child calm down (puzzles, reading, drawing, mandalas, soft music, relaxation).
• Make sure to use logical consequences (connected to what happened). For example, if the child was rude, there's no point in forbidding them from visiting a family member. Still, it's important for the child to understand that their behaviour isn't okay. If the child is rough with a family member, the consequence could be to make up for it by doing that person a favour, for example.
• It's better to explain to the child that their words hurt us and that we won't accept being spoken to that way. The child can also be given a logical consequence: in the case of rudeness, for example, it may be appropriate to ask the child to make amends to the person involved (a drawing, doing something nice for them, apologizing).
• It's around age 5 or 6 that children grasp the idea that everyone has the right to make mistakes. When we ask a child to apologize, they may do it simply because we asked. However, leading by example will make it easier for the child to develop this skill.
• Keep in mind that the further away in time the consequence is, the harder it is for the child to make the connection and adjust their behaviour.

• Cut back on sweets. Chocolate and soft drinks contain some caffeine, which can make kids restless and less receptive.
• Serve dessert as part of the meal (fruit, fruit purées, yogurt). When a child doesn't want to eat what's on their plate, we're often tempted to bargain: “eat a little more and you can have dessert.” When we push like this, the child may get the impression that the food on their plate is worth less than dessert.

In the end, there's no such thing as a perfect parent, just as there's no perfect uncle, aunt or grandparent either. Still, it's important for everyone to set some guidelines, which will help the child find their bearings. When limits are clear, firm and specific, the child will be less tempted to test the adult. That way, our interactions can stay more positive than negative. We play a very important role in helping kids develop all kinds of skills; now all that's left is to trust our instincts. And let's not forget: teamwork is always the key to success!

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